Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
