also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
