The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
