We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
