walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
