he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
