That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
