I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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