Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
