When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
