I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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