1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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