I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize