I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
