I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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