He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
