just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
