My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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