i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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