just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
