you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Shame - the story of my life.
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