um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize