Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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