If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize