I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
