Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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