shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
