Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
