I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
