she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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