I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
