I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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