On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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