I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
