Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
