I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
