i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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