I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
