For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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