Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
