Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
