I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
