It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
