He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
