I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
