I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
