he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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