Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
