closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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