Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
