I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
