I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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