Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
