So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
