you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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