I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
