Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
