Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
