Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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