Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Drunk is not a location!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
