And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
