We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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