i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
