I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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