i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
