My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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