The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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