That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
