highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
