Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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