Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
