Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
