I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Randomize
