woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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