Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize