all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I love having hate sex.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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