So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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