Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
