my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
